Top 10 Favorites from The Onion

Here are my top 10 favorite articles, videos, etc. from The Onion

1. George W. Bush Debuts New Paintings Of Dogs, Friends, Ghost Of Iraqi Child That Follows Him Everywhere

 

2. We Raise All Our Beef Humanely On Open Pasture And Then We Hang Them Upside Down And Slash Their Throats

You can rest easy with the knowledge that our cows are never, ever confined or cramped, and are entirely free-range until the day they turn 20 months old or hit 1,300 pounds, whichever comes first.

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3. Judge Rules White Girl Will Be Tried As Black Adult

 

4. Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex

“And since Congress voted to retain our federal funding, it’s going to be that much easier for us to maximize the number of tiny, beating hearts we stop every day.”

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5. God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy

‘No,’ Says God

“God strongly suggested that Timmy consider praying to one of the other intercessionary agents of Divine power, like Jesus, Mary or maybe even a top saint,” Timmy’s personal physician, Dr. William Luttrell, said. “The Lord stressed to Timmy that it was a long shot, but He said he might have better luck with one of them.”

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6. Homesick Kid On Sleepover Needs To Just Tough It The Fuck Out

Sources confirmed Thompson will see his parents again in less than 10 hours, so he needs to stop acting like a little bitch and relax, for Christ’s sake.

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7. Fuck Everything, We’re Doing Five Blades

What part of this don’t you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn’t claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.

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8. Supreme Court Rules Supreme Court Rules

“In the case of The U.S. Supreme Court v. Everyone Else (1997),” wrote Justice Clarence Thomas, “this court wins by a serious landslide.”

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9. Vegetarian Option Just Iceberg Lettuce On Bread



10. Nation Throws Hands Up, Tells Black Teenagers To Do Their Best Out There

“Yeah, I don’t know what to tell you other than keep your wits about you and hope for the best,” Alexandria, VA resident Michael Klein advised the nation’s 10 million African-American youths. “Honestly, I’d recommend just staying inside after sundown if you can.”

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