Short Story

Hello. Here’s a short story I wrote in high school (probably 2008 or 2009).


 

The Missing Soul: A Story of Barack Obama

Within the cave of Harsh Interrogation (NOT torture), around a kindling fire and the Magical Puddle of Petroleum, the Maverick Force Five – consisting of Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Sarah Palin, and John McCain – seek the truth. As they peer into the Magical Puddle of Petroleum, and image becomes clear: An African-American man standing on the Oval Office rug.

“This is outrageous!” exclaimed Rush Limbaugh. “Hmmm, he must be Muslim” Bill O’Reilly announced.

They knew something must be done to stop this. Even though the man in the image was currently only 12 years old. The Maverick Force Five sent in The Decider to do the dirty work.

“O.K., lets review once again, I don’t want you to get confused in there,” Sarah Palin said. “You’re going to sneak in and steal his soul. Do you understand?”

“Yeah, Yeah” explained The Decider. “I’m gonna go in there, hehe, I’m gonna steal…his sole, heh. Me and my administration are gonna have to talk this over first. I’m gonna sneak in, all stealth like, you know. Then I’m gonna…I’m gonna steal his sole. Heh. Pretty good, huh?”

Sarah sighs and pats him on the back. “Good thinkin’. I’m gonna go check on Russia now.”

The next morning, young Barack Obama finds his shoes to be stolen. Because of this, he decides to attend law school and become a senator, and continue into presidency. He plans to bring hope and change to the American people so that no shoe will ever be stolen again. He hoped to bring prosperity to the American people so that they will be confident and get jobs so that they can buy their own shoes.

Several years later, Barack Obama is elected as the 44th president of the United States of America. The nation rejoices together in the hope that America will have its prosperity and liberty restored; except the Ku Klux Klan and the Maverick Force Five.

“I just don’t know how this is possible” whined Sean Hannity.

“It’s just so unfair!” John McCain, while celebrating his birthday with The Decider, contemplates what could have gone wrong.

“I don’t understand how someone can become president and not have a soul. I thought Bill Clinton and Richard Nixon were the only exceptions.”

“Well John, anyone can just go out and buy a new pair of shoes.”

“WHAT!” exclaimed Rush. “I can’t believe you thought we meant ‘sole’”.

“Oh, heh. Well, you fooled me once, shame on you. You fool me twice…you can’t fool me again. Heh” said The Decider, with a childish smirk.

The Maverick Force Five wrote a ransom note and mailed it to the white house.

Dear Barack Obama,

We have your sole! If you ever wish to see it again, you must resign as president, and pardon Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Sarah Palin, and John McCain for all past and future crimes. Oh, and George Bush left his favorite picture of him massaging his secret love, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, in the sock drawer. If you could get that to him, that would be great.

Best Wishes, MFF Maverick Force Five

 

After a flight on the Air Force One (modifications made by the Obama Administration can be seen in image 1-1*) Barack Obama landed at the White House. When he arrives, he learns of the ransom note for his shoes. He quickly goes to the Oval Office to ponder what should be done.

“I hope that they return my shoes without me having to resign” sighed Barack. Michelle Obama walks in on Barack while he is levitating (he must levitate because Rod Blagojevich sold all his seats) and she notices that he is also crying.

“Oh you baby, if you want your shoe, go get it” she commanded.

Just then, a giant Ann Coulter burst through the wall with a clear purpose to eat the Obama family. Her appetite must be extremely big today, as she usually just eats babies. Almost everyday people find that their babies have been eaten and they frantically call the police. The usual reply is something along the lines of “Grendel? No, Ann Coulter ate your baby.” While these calls are frequent and annoying, the confusion is understandable.

Luckily, Michelle Obama attended “I Want To Be A Terrorist Camp” as a child. She uses her mad radical Muslim skills to fight off Ann Coulter with ease. Michelle and Barack share a terrorist fist bump to celebrate.

After the dust and debris from Grendel’s attack settle, three fairies appear. They seem to be Reverend Wright, William Ayers, and Hillary Clinton. They tell Barack that with their help, he can send the Maverick Force Five to the underworld, more commonly known as the Middle East.

“But will I get my shoe back?” inquired Barack. The fairies looked at each other.

“Uh, sure, whatever you want,” explained the small, fairy version of Hillary Clinton.

Barack told his secretary to phone the Maverick Force Five to let them know that he will battle them to the death in the underworld in exactly 3 hours.

Three hours later….

“I see that you were able to make it Barack,” sneered Bill O’Reilly.

“Well, I was the one who called for this meeting,” explained Barack.

“Right,” said Bill.

“Anyway, so what are we going to do?”

“I’m not actually sure, I was thinking –“ Unexpectedly, the hand of God descends from the Heavens and smooshes the Maverick Force Five.

The voice of Comedy Central talk show host, Stephen Colbert roars from above. “Hello, Nation. This is God.”

“You sound a lot like Stephen Colbert,” said Barack.

“Well, who did you think God was?” asked Stephen.

“Good point,” replied Barack.

“So, anyway. I killed those crazy guys. I hope you go to church this Sunday to thank me. And I mean Christian church, not that crazy Muslim place you go to.”

“I just have one question.”

“What is it?”

“Can you get my shoe for me?”

 

THE END

1-1* I have no idea what image I used, as I no longer have the original text.

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